It’s been a while since I’ve stared at a blank screen for the sole purpose of letting it all out. I would look to this act as a place of peace, joy, pouring out, and consuming. A perfect cluster of beauty and brokenness that I ran to on a daily basis.
How quickly do you lose site of your gift when life gets in the way? I lost it. And I’m running full force back at it.
I am overwhelmed with this realization. That even in an act of ministry we can fail and fail hard. Why? We may all be called to minister, but none of us are qualified. Because though the bow is tied, and the wrapping is shiny, we are broken and shattered on the inside. We are sinners at heart and perfection should not be our end game, yet we constantly make it so. Without even realizing it I turned my purpose into a job; another task on my list; and a deadline I needed to meet. I allowed the devil to use the joy in God to be the turn from God.
That’s how powerful our enemy is, and that is how quickly he moves.
1 Peter 2:11 Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul
When our conviction reignites we so often find ourselves on the edge of slipping away. It’s the tip toe testing the warmth of the water, trying to logically decide whether to jump in. The devil bates us. He knows our weaknesses and knows when to pounce.
For me, I am the most vulnerable when I am consumed with work. My mind is easily distracted by worldly circumstances and opinions to the point of spending hours in independent argument over an uncontrollable scenario. The enemy knows to use this time to throw a loved one my way. My temper is short, and I take it out on them.
I picture a battle of heart and mind in the depths of my soul. A storm of fire and ice, hatred and joy, swarming the walls of my person-hood. A constant whirlwind of sin and grace, and the end is nowhere in sight. But that’s the lie the enemy wants us to believe. We may be living to fight, but not as us against the devil; but God against him. And our Lord will always win.
Today I am thankful for conviction. That we have a way to deliver us back to God and recognize our desperate need for Him. I know that this will not be the last time I fall away, that I forget my purpose, that I am lead astray; but it also isn’t the last time for God’s amazing grace, His headship, and Holy fight.
Where we fail, God prevails. And that, to me, is a very powerful truth.
Forgive me for my weariness! Forgive me for consumption of worldly aspirations! Allow conviction to overrule and lead my life. Cleanse my heart of things that are not of you and renew my mind. Let my thoughts seek peace in who You are, rather than my predicaments, and let me always remember your constant fight for us. I am more thankful than words can ever express, for your sacrifice and love for us, amidst our failures and imperfections. You are so worthy of all praise, my Lord!