To be lost, is a dreadful and disheartening thing. It causes distress in the most frantically inclined way; and frustration to its core, growing and building from a hindrance of disorientation. It leaves a lasting imprint too, rather than a temporary wandering that is forgotten and omitted.
We feel that sensation every moment that allows a memory to stroll through our veins- yes veins, not mind. That would be too simple. To have felt and experienced the truest sense of the word “lost” then you know that it penetrates.
With that truth though, means the release of that state of mind is nothing short of exhilarating and peaceful all at the same time.
I have been captivated by this existence half my life, as most of you have. But not long ago I experienced the greatest saving I could ever imagine, and from the darkest, most mislead place there is.
I figured out the perfect guide, map, and path that will never lead me astray again. When I chose to follow Jesus, it came with a complete transition of the heart; an uprooting, revealing, and cleansing of a soul that was still lost, though believed in who God was.
There comes a time in a believer’s pursuit that the understanding of sins’ depth exasperates you- meaning, you cannot truly, wholeheartedly live a life for God until you understand the horrid concept of what sin is, and what it means for you.
At the beginning of my faith, I walked around my life making exceptions for what I thought at the time was “too harsh” in the bible. A lot of this generation would title it as “taking away the fun.”
Lust, judgement, sex, gossip- these were some of the declarations of God that I didn’t understand, and wouldn’t commit myself to. But here’s the thing, how can we desire to live like Jesus and love him and who he is, without agreeing sin is the whole reason and foundation to that very fact.
About 4-5 months after finding my faith, I finally had that moment. It wasn’t all at once, like most of his work in my life. But gradually throughout one day. I looked around my life and others, and like a switch I understood. If my testimony, like all of ours, is that of realizing we need God in our life, then I had to let go of the sin that separated me from him, and therefore learn to hate it.
My life after that was new once again. I hate sin, to my very core, despise it- because sin means separation from God. This understanding simultaneously gave me my purpose. I am created to spread the glory of God, to share with others this amazing thing called grace, and why we need salvation from these sins.
Today, I was standing in line at a store. I had one item, the lady in front of me had two carts. Without even realizing it, I started judging her- what she was buying, wearing, acting. It was disgraceful. Luckily, my hatred for this sin overtook my whole body quicker than the sin and I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed with every ounce of strength I could in that moment for God to release my heart of such sinful thoughts and behavior. I prayed for God to search my soul and strengthen it to be more like him as I walk through this life. I pleaded for the type of love that came so naturally, and so honestly, that it flowed out of my pores every minute of every day. I prayed for the wisdom to lay down my own flaws and blemishes as if they were on display for all to see, like I portrayed that woman’s image.
Not too long ago I would have missed that opportunity to seek grace. I would have left that store unknowingly dishonoring God. I would have left unchanged, unmoved, and feeling worthy as can be. Today, I left moved to tears, brought to my knees, and clinging to God’s glory over my own. What an amazing moment. For one second, I was completely lost, but as promised, God brought me into the light and guided me back to Him.
Some might be reading this with judgement of their own, not understanding still the power with which I am discussing. That’s ok. It took time for me too. But this I know, and this I believe, that if in those “little” moments of sin we do not confess, then we are not in line with God.
Forgive me again, for the harsh judgement I inflicted on that woman. Someone I do not know, a stranger, yet my sister and I let her down. Lord forgive my heart, and strengthen my spirit that I may learn from this moment of weakness and seek your love first and foremost.
Lord hear the hearts of those reading this message, of those that are not, of all that do not understand the depths of evil, and what sin does to this world. I pray for those that are still lost to this fact, find you, seek you, and run after you. I pray that you do your will and save them. I plead their salvation. I plead their desire.
Father you are everything to this life, I am not worthy of you, and I am not deserving of such forgiveness. But for that very reason you gave your son’s life to give me mine and I will humbly and violently run after you in complete understanding, striving to live my life like yours. Help me do so, for without you, I am but lost.